Forsaken
.
For 6 months I resisted invoking “deadname”—
Worsening my melancholy from misrecognition
By feeling additionally culpable for proving my mother right:
By becoming a man, I was killing women.
Never mind that I am not a man.
Never mind that I was thrown into a universe pact
Without Consent:
A life would be taken,
The specific sacrifice was up to me.
Scared Eyes on the street label the choice:
Girl or boy?
Girl or boy?
My own mirror reflects exhaustion:
Truth or lie?
Truth or lie?
How do I invite you to
Celebrate losing the girl you loved,
Without revealing that:
She would have disappeared regardless.
But having a Dead Name,
Is a luxury of the Living.
This is my invitation to
Celebrate my survival.
Teddy G. Goetz (he/they) is an overly enthusiastic medical student, writer, photographer, biker, and research dork, with an MS in transgender hormone therapy and BS in biochemistry and gender studies, focusing on interdisciplinary scientific research informed by individual embodied experiences. His (artistic and medical) goal is to help people feel seen. More of his recent work is available at teddygoetz.com.
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